mid-state life

suspended indefinitely

2005-08-29T12:50:00.000-04:00

I have decided to stop adding posts to this blog as I have started another blog and I believe this new one will take up all the time I have for blogging.

pee-ness envy

2005-08-19T09:13:00.000-04:00

I get tons of daily emails that are trying to sell me something that is new and interesting. This is by far the most interesting one this year.

It is a device that women can use when travelling or whenever it would seem necessary to avoid sitting on a public toilet seat. It's called My Sweet Pee and basically it is a funnel type object that helps guide urine into the toilet without having to crouch or anything that women normally do to avoid peeing on their panties. It also comes in a reusable variety and a disposable one.

This is so bizarre. I am trying to think of the pitch for this product. Will people actually buy this? Would there ever be an instance where I would buy this? I doubt it, mostly because I was born into a family a crouchers. In fact, I can't even remember the first time my mom told me not to sit on a public toilet seat. Anyway, I know this was dangerously TMI, but I could not resist it. Something like this only comes along once every hundred or so emails...

living in america

2005-08-18T13:20:00.000-04:00

i realized today that if i wasn't working joe would be paying half of his salary per month for our mortgage. even with my salary it only brings it down to 30% of our income. that is so scary.

we have been talking about selling our house and renting to try and save money to move to a bigger house (and get away from our psychotic neighbors). it occurred to me that many people rent before they buy, not vice versa.

i guess we got in a little over our heads with this house and the wedding- it totally sucked having to pay for all of it, especially since we had to have it the way we wanted it. but i really think that it would have cost us more to have the wedding here in NJ b/c any place is at least $100 a plate.

anyway, i digress. i'm talking about the housing market.

i read this very interesting (kinda scary) article about the housing market in california. i thought i should document it because it is so crazy that people can afford a $400,000 mortgage with a salary of less than $50,000 a year. how is this possible? when is this housing craze going to slow down?

i am not so much scared for me, especially since we have gone through it and will only be hoping to upgrade in our next purchase. i am scared for people who have never bought a house and are not even close to buying a house. how do you come up with 20% of a $400,000 house? not many weddings profit a cool $80,000!!!

i remember my parents telling me that they bought their house for $19,000. my car costs more than that! granted that was like 1970 or something, but still!! people pay more than that for one year's tuition!

ok, i don't think this is going to cause an apocalypse or something. i just cannot believe that this is happening before my eyes and there is nothing anyone can do about it. houses do not depreciate. they might slow down and interest rates may go up- but pretty much from now on it is only going to get harder. we are going to have to increase our salaries by 5 figures in order to really get in the market.

so i know this stuff is really boring, but when paying the mortgage is the main reason i have a job it becomes a big priority. ok, continue about your business.

The green outdoors

2005-08-05T10:32:00.000-04:00

I love Outside magazine. I love to pretend that I am outdoorsy. I'm not, I live in NJ and take walks around the paved pathway in the park a few blocks away at the intersection of two major roads in the town. It is a park that is a replica of a real park somewhere else. Not very scenic, not very backcountry. There is no backcountry in NJ.

This is a state where every town not only touches the next, but kinda intermingles with the next and borders are kinda fuzzy in some places. Not like out in the Pacific Northwest where towns can have 100 miles in between each other and there is such a thing as the Bureau of Land Management. There is no land to manage here, unless you consider developers trying to outbid each other over the next spot for a mini-mall or a smattering of McMansions.

Anyway, I love the idea of wide open spaces and public access (not $8 a day for beach access- CHRIST!). It is a dream of mine to be able to live somewhere that is pristine, natural and undeveloped.

Back to Outside mag- they inspire me because I believe there are lots of people out there who believe the same things I do. They don't want to buy an ugly house in a development, they are outraged by suburban sprawl, they don't want to buy a Christmas tree unless they know 10 new trees were planted in its wake.

In a recent email- I don't subscribe to the actual mag, it kills trees and I get the same info online- they introduced me to a couple of pro-kayakers who live in Colorado and hate the same things I hate. They saw a beautiful piece of land being bid for development of McMansions and totally taking away the public access to awesome white water and fun riverfront play areas. Instead of standing idly by and shaking their heads, they decided to do something about it. The two of them (brother and sister team), along with their dad's cash flow (the bane of an environmental enthusiast is you always need to find some conservative white collar guy to back up the dream) decide to outbid everyone and preserve the property for the greater good. Hooray! Score one for the little guy.

Now, I'd just like to say, I don't kayak. I am the world's most uncoordinated person and I have low blood pressure and get dizzy when I get too much exercise, nonetheless- I still appreciate nature and have the dream of hiking and climbing and rafting with the best of them.

I also do not pretend to be the most environmentally conscious person- I'm an armchair environmentalist and I will probably never really help any legislation go through to make changes for the country. But I have lots of aspirations and I really do think every little bit helps. So remember to recycle, don't leave the water running when you brush your teeth and turn off the light when you leave the room. Every little bit helps.

Summertime Blues

2005-07-28T11:41:00.000-04:00

So sometimes I think that maybe I have too much time on my hands. Especially when I spend 15 minutes talking about how funny Liz's blog is to my husband and he looks at me like I'm on crack. But I definitely do not have as much spare time as some people.

Namely, P. Diddy, or Puff Daddy or Sean Combs- or whatever he feels like calling himself these days.

He has made a public announcement that he plans to change his name (again) in the near future. So of course I think this is front page news and google him. This is what I come up with:

An article from the UK in a not so popular periodical. But at least his news made it to the UK, they seem more interested in it than Americans.

Another article from, you guessed it, Canada.

Where are the write ups from US Weekly? Or at least Entertainment Tonight? I guess this is not as newsworthy as I thought.....I don't care. I'm still interested.

Any ideas on what he might change it to this time?

I couldn't even get my husband to discuss it with me. It's apparently as important to him as reading Liz's blog.

So I definitely have too much time on my hands, but this is while I am supposed to be working so technically I have lots of things to do, I am just choosing to use this time to devote to current events instead of something that I get paid to do.

Beach Reading

2005-07-19T14:05:00.000-04:00

I tend to be a book snob. I like to read meaningful literature that is not by Danielle Steele or something like that. I don't want to be able to predict exactly what is going to happen, in fact, I hate that. It's boring.

Although I usually grab a book that would have been on my English professor's reading list, I have been anticipating the new Harry Potter book more than the little nine year old next door. So, of course, I bought it Saturday morning and finished reading it Sunday morning (I also helped a friend move and watched a few movies, among other things in between). It's not a slow read. It's also written like the top row of a vision test, and mostly appeals to the little nine year old next door. I don't care. I love it.

This story is like nothing I have ever read and I know there are very few other stories out there that can appeal to the masses the way Harry does. Plus it doesn't hurt that I have a slight fascination with all things British. The book was great, I suggest taking along the saga on your next long weekend at the beach. You will feel totally accomplished (seeing as there are 6 books in the series now) and it might keep your mind off of other not so exciting things to worry about, such as the fact that Fall clothing catalogs are out and so are the Back to School sales.

Keep summer alive. We still have a whole month left.

Make new friends

2005-07-18T09:00:00.000-04:00

So I ran into one of my best friends from first grade this weekend. It was so crazy- she looks the same and it was great to see her. I probably haven't seen her since high school. She lived a few blocks away from me and from age 6 to age 10 we were inseparable. Middle school changes everything, especially when you have to switch classes, etc. and we just kinda stopped being good friends. There was never a fight or anything, we just grew apart.

It got me thinking about all of the friends, especially the best friends I have had in my life and what they are up to now. Mostly it made me think about Sarah. She was my best friend from 7th grade until about 4 years ago. We had an awful falling out and it makes me sad to think about it, but I also believe that it happened for a reason.

I know I am very different than my friends, each one of us is unique and that is what makes it so great that we are friends. I learn so much from them and it helps to keep me grounded and aware that not everyone thinks and acts like me. That would be so boring.

I think someday Sarah and I will be friends again, but for now I wish her the best and hope she is as happy as I am.

TV rots your brains

2005-07-13T10:17:00.000-04:00

I have been proud of myself lately- I have stopped
watching mindless reruns on TV every night- even
though I love TV and could flip channels for hours
on end without so much as blinking. But summer
is not about being inside so the TV stays off.

Yet I realized that I have not been outside
any more than I am in the winter and the TV has
nothing to do with it. It is the simple fact
that I am lazy. So lazy that instead of walking
my dog every day, I just let him frolic in the
yard all night.

My husband gets home hours after me and I've realized
that my TV watching and non-productive nature is a
result of the fact that my life is not moving when
he isn't home. I am at a stand still. I am in a
perpetual state of anticipation of what we will
have for dinner, or where we will go that night, or
what his day was like, or telling him what my day was
like, yada, yada, yada...

This is no good. I am a better person than this. I am
interesting and fun and independent. I will no longer
wait for him to come home. I will cook myself dinner
and he can heat it up. I will start my sewing project
or take Bogie to the park. There are lots of hours of
daylight left and I intend to use them to the fullest.

Ahh, I feel better already.

Good Things

2005-07-11T14:18:00.000-04:00

I have a mid year resolution to just be happy. There are so many things to be happy about in life and particularly in my life and I need to stop dwelling on stupid stuff I cannot control.

First off I'll go through all of the obvious and general things to be happy about: I am young, healthy, slowly rising above college debt, have a great family and great friends, a wonderful husband and adorable puppy.

Ok, also, it's summer. July, to be exact. I love July. I think it may even be my favorite month. Everything happens in July and that ALWAYS means good things, not bad things. For example, my Godson was born in July, we just had our wedding party in July, it's always the best weather in July, good movies come out in July. I'm starting to think that my life is so great right now just because it is July.

I really want to enjoy this summer now that I have no wedding parties to plan or any other seriously time consuming activities. Most of my friends are younger than me or live far away (or both), but that doesn't mean that there are not enough fun people to hang out with right here at home. I plan to take advantage of the long sunny days and not be afraid of skin cancer this month.

Summer flies by so fast and I refuse to let this one go without really enjoying it and not thinking about sewing new curtains or painting the dining room. The winter is perfect for all of that indoor stuff. I am going to cook on the grill and have a picnic with my husband and take my dog for long walks.

I feel better just talking about it. I know this is going to be a fun summer and I will not be saying that all those summers in college spending every moment at the beach and binge drinking until the wee hours of the night were the best days of my life. There are so many more days to enjoy and I know I will be saying that every day in the summer is the best from now on.

the missing avocado

2005-06-30T15:38:00.000-04:00

Although it may seem as if I'm all wrapped up in baby land- that was accidental and now that's it's no longer my life (yet) I can focus on what is really going on.

I got married almost 6 months ago in Jamaica and since only 50 of our closest friends and family could make the trip we had always been planning a big celebration in NJ. And it's in 2 days.

Luckily, my MIL has lots of time and energy to plan this shin dig from soup to nuts. Originally, I had planned to have a really fun BBQ that was super laid back and really casual. It has turned into a fully catered, porta-potties rented outrageous affair. I'm loving every second of not having to run to AC Moore or Costco to buy more flowers for the centerpieces. She has total control- which is usually extremely difficult for me to give up- and I have resigned to being a guest at my own party.

This party was planned before we had the Jamaica wedding and I had TONS of magazine clippings and notes scribbled about what I wanted the theme to be and how I wanted to set up the yard, etc. It was my creation and it would be filled with all of the lovely things I could not do with my destination wedding.

Unfortunately, most if not all of those plans were thrown out the window when she planned to have the party at her house and created a country home theme. Although it is probably my least favorite style of decor- she has planned it to be very pretty and even though I cannot stand the way fake flowers look, the way she has used them looks nice.

Yet my one complaint is blatant disregard. We had a meeting at the house to discuss menu options and have a mini-tasting session. She mentioned on a whim that there was also an avocado salad. I was overjoyed that there would be something on the menu that I could love.

I have been a vegetarian for 12 years and usually get by with bread and cheese at many funtions, but this is my party and I want to eat something I love. I don't want it to be a side dish of rice or a fruit platter. I want something as a main dish that I can eat and be happy, without succumbing to carb overload on pasta salad or bread. Something special.

This was the one shining moment where I felt like this party had my signature on it (even though she paid for EVERYTHING, except the alcohol and rented bathrooms- our big splurge).

So I had the caterer fax me a copy of the menu today so I can print out menu cards. My dreams were dashed.

She cut the avocado.

I had a feeling it might happen, she doesn't like avocado. I don't think many people in her family are fond of it either. I guess it would only be fair to say that there are at least 40 people in her family coming and I am only 1 person. But they can gorge themselves on grilled chicken and shrimp cocktail while I enjoy my avocado. It isn't that much to ask, is it?

It will be a blast, I will eat the wild rice side dish and the angel hair pasta salad with glee. But I'll still be thinking about my missing avocado.

Changes

2005-06-29T09:39:00.000-04:00

When I created this blog I was excited to discuss how things in my life were changing-- I never thought they would be changing like this. I wanted to talk about how my morning sickness was taking over my life and how I was worried I'd never see those size 2 pants again...

Unfortunately the changes that have taken place in the past few months have been much more emotionally draining than that.

On April 19, 2005 we went for our first prenatal appt. It went really well- Deb, our nurse, was so excited for us and gave us a package with stuff for new parents chock full of magazines and baby formula coupons. She let us ask a million questions about how things will go from here on out, she told us our due date (November 16, 2005) and did an exam. We left there planning to have our first sonogram to see the baby and get an actual due date. She wished us well, and we scheduled the sonogram for that very evening. I couldn't wait to see the baby, even though my husband thought it was unneccesary.

I went to work and finally did what I had been wanting to do for weeks- I told everyone I was pregnant!! The best part about this was there is another girl in the office who is pregnant too- we are due a week apart from each other! It was such a great day, everyone congratulating me and asking me questions. It felt so good to have all of that attention. It was a day to celebrate- we are almost 10 weeks pregnant and things are going well!

My husband planned to meet me back at the doctor's office after work and then we would go celebrate some more with my parents. I met him in the parking lot and we waited together in the waiting room. Once inside the room where they perform ultrasounds I could hardly contain my excitement- we are going to see our baby! I don't care how little and undefined he or she is- this is so amazing!!

The technician is a specialist and only handles the ultrasounds- he was a middle aged man with moderate social skills, I guess you have to be slightly outgoing to be able to have a conversation while holding a plastic tube inside of a person. Totally awkward. He started by looking on my belly and we stared at the screen hoping to see a heartbeat or movement or anything that might resemble something baby-like even though I knew it was so early and he or she wouldn't look recognizably human for weeks.

He was having trouble so he had to go inside- not a big deal- I had just had an exam that morning and at this point whatever it takes to see the baby is ok with me! Besides, Deb (our nurse) had told us that I have a tipped uterus which makes it hard to see or hear the baby from the abdomen. Not a problem that wouldn't work itself out as I became farther along in the pregnancy. So he swished the plastic microscopic camera thing around to show my uterus and we looked at the screen waiting for him to explain what we were looking at.

He breathed in and mumbled something, there was a nurse in the room assisting him with the equipment and she was mumbling also. It seems like a blur now but at the time I felt like I understood everything completely. There was no heartbeat and the baby had stopped growing a few weeks before.

It was such an awkward and awful situation, but at the time I wanted to make sure that my husband understood everything so I explained it to him when he looked at me confused. The baby had died. We lost the baby. There are no nice ways to say it. I was so numb inside that I think I acted a little funny. Like it wasn't a big deal, like it was just a part of the process and had no emotional ties to me. I didn't even cry when I told my parents that their first grandchild will be delayed for a while.

Looking back it was not healthy- this technician was not able to deal with the emotions of this sad event and thank God our nurse was still in the office- she comforted us and helped us to know what to do next. That was the easy part. This guy had no clue how to tell us or even how to react and be sympathetic. It angers me to think about it- I'm more of an adult than this man who probably has children and would be devastated if this happened to his wife.

I had a D&C on April 21, 2005 and over 2 months later it still feels like it isn't real.

I feel like I wanted this baby so badly and I had no control over it's life. I was worried about paying for baby clothes and not getting any sleep- now all I think about is whether I could have done something to prevent the loss. I know that I couldn't have, but I wish that I could.

The girl in my office is still pregnant and it took me over a month to be able to look at her. It's not fair, I thought, that she gets to have her baby and we don't. Didn't I love my baby as much as she does hers? Why would this happen to me? I hate hearing that it is so common or that God has a plan or some other crap that makes me feel like hitting someone. It doesn't help.

The only comfort I got was from a friend at work- she told me the same things as everyone else, but she also said that she didn't believe in having a funeral or a memorial service ot naming the baby- she said that she believes that that baby will come back to us. It just wasn't his time and he's up there waiting for us to get pregnant again so he can be with us. It feels good to think that it wasn't a death but just a delay and that baby is still out there. Another of my friends said she read a book about the same thing and recommended it to me.
I'm going to buy it today and since I have had my first regular period (which is what the dr recommends before you start trying again) I know that this baby will be with us sooner than later.

Planning it will be fun and when we find out, we will be overjoyed and maybe a little nervous- but at least we will know what to expect a little better this time. I plan to switch from my OB/GYN to a midwife. Unless I have complications, I think I can handle this without the hospital- we'll see.

It is a good Friday

2005-03-25T11:11:00.000-05:00

Although I had preconceived notions that pregnancy is a piece of cake and all those women with morning sickness and indigestion were whiny brats, I have changed my tune. My husband told me that he heard someone say that being pregnant is like having a hangover, all the time. I feel like I owe every pregnant woman an apology, now that I have joined in the ranks of soon-to-be-motherhood, I sympathize. It's not easy to go through each day with nausea and indigestion.
But I don't want to complain.
I am loving it. It' s so amazing to know that there is a little person growing inside of me and pretty soon I will be a mom.
I've already picked out the crib and bedding, the changing table, the rocker, the diaper bag, stroller, I could go on and on. I have never been so excited about something in my life.